Beach City's Dankest
by PancreasCatastrophe
Summary: The Crystal Gems must tackle gem missions, but the weed thief Garnet and the perpetually high Pearl makes things hard for Steven. How will Steven handle these addiction-ridden moms in the journeys up ahead? Will Steven fall into an endless cycle of madness during rehab? Will Garnet and Pearl sober up before I get bored and never update the story? Oh yeah, Amethyst is there too.
1. Chapter 1: The Discovery

It was a big day for the Crystal Gems. The four gems were going to go on a mission to save Peridot from the sewers after she flushed herself down the toilet.

"Where's Garnet?" asked Steven.

"I don't know," slurred Pearl, as she stumbled on to the warp pad. She dropped the paper bag in her hand and let out a chuckle as she picked it up. "Haha, oops."

Steven noticed that Pearl was acting unusual, but decided to keep quiet. Amethyst sat on the warp pad, struggling to keep her eyes open.

"Yo!" exclaimed Amethyst, "can we go now?"

"No," replied Steven, "we have to wait for Garnet."

The three gems stayed in the house, waiting for Garnet. Steven picked up his book and read it on the couch. Amethyst joined him on the couch and took a nap. Pearl went to the bathroom. They had been waiting for twenty minutes when Pearl emerged from the bathroom. Steven had finished the book and Amethyst had woken up. She walked quietly towards the couch and sat next to Amethyst.

"Hey, Amethyst," started Pearl, "let's get some of that food that you love so much."

Amethyst stood up and turned towards Pearl. "You want food?"

"Yeah."

"Why? You never eat!"

Pearl layed down on the couch. "I just want to try some new things, you know?" She closed her eyes. "Steven, what was that thing you like to eat again? Fry pieces or something?"

Steven stared at Pearl, suspicious. Amethyst, on the other hand, was excited to watch Pearl eat.

"Hey, why head all the way to the fry shop when we have all the food you want at home?" suggested Amethyst as she walked over to the fridge. "Let's see what we have…"

Amethyst opened the door of the fridge. Immediately, a shroud of smoke erupted from the fridge. Amethyst shut her eyes and coughed while she fanned away the smoke with her hands. The smell was strange, but familiar to Steven, who quickly ran over to the smoky fridge. Inside the fridge was none other than Garnet, who curled up tightly in order to fit. Garnet held a lit blunt in her hand. The bottom of the fridge was covered in ashes and a bag of weed. Garnet stared at Amethyst and Steven as she brought the blunt up to her mouth.

After a short moment of shock, Amethyst opened her mouth to speak. "Wait a minute, why are you–"

"Garnet!" interrupted Steven. His eyebrows furrowed and his voice grew louder. "You stole my weed!"

"N-no I didn't..." replied Garnet. A few puffs of smoke escaped her mouth as she spoke. "It wasn't me!"

"Of course it is!" Steven pointed at the bag of weed. "That's my special weed bag! It even has a Cookie Cat sticker on it!"

"I'll explain!" said Garnet defensively. She finished off her blunt and grabbed some rolling paper to roll another. "I promise it wasn't me who took your marijuana."

"Then who was it?" questioned Steven.

Garnet opened Steven's bag of weed and reached inside. She pulled some out, grinded it in her hands, and placed it on the paper. "It was Pearl."

Steven and Amethyst turned around to look at Pearl, who was laughing at some old magazines.

"It was pretty obvious," said Amethyst.


	2. Chapter 2: Anger and Forgiveness

Steven's eyes widened as Pearl let out her laugh. How could he have missed it? Steven thought about Pearl's strange behaviour. She was clearly high. Garnet pointed her joint towards the bag near Pearl.

"Steven," said Garnet calmly. "If you don't believe me, take a look in that bag."

Steven walked over to where Pearl was sitting and snatched the bag. Pearl raised a hand, trying to grab it back, but then weakly dropped her arms. She did not want to go through the effort. After all, she was having too much fun in her own mind to fight for the bag. Steven carefully opened the bag. Inside was another bag; the bag was familiar. It had even more Cookie Cat stickers stuck on it. This was where Steven stored his best weed. He had saved it for a year. For some reason, the whole bag was empty.

"Pearl!" Steven snapped. He threw the empty bag on to the floor. "You and Garnet stole all of my weed!"

"Oh, Steven, that's not true," insisted Pearl. From up close, Steven could see that Pearl was extremely high. "I stole all of it by myself. I just shared some with Garnet."

Steven clenched his fists. "Is there any weed left at all?"

Garnet finished off the remaining weed. "Nope, it's all gone. Pearl even went through the stash in the back."

Before Steven could kick Pearl's ass, Amethyst interrupted.

"Hey, guys, can we hurry up?" suggested Amethyst impatiently. "Peridot's clogging up the city's water supply." Amethyst pointed to the sink, where Peridot's screams of agony could be heard quietly.

Steven stood silently for two seconds before he stomped over to the warp pad. Amethyst followed. Garnet pushed herself out of the fridge and grabbed Pearl before joining Steven and Amethyst.

"Wait! I need food!" announced Pearl. Her fellow Crystal Gems ignored her.

The four gems arrived at the warp pad near the sewers. Garnet put Pearl down. Almost instantly, Pearl collapsed onto the floor. She laid there without attempting to get up.

"Haha, I guess I'm a little clumsy today," Pearl said with a chuckle. She rolled over on her side and stared off into the distance.

"It's her first time," explained Garnet. "She also smoked quite a lot of your weed, Steven."

Steven looked down at the thief laying on the floor with disgust. He could not believe that Pearl would take his most prized possession. He was upset, but also felt bad that Pearl would probably be a mess for a long time. Knowing that he will eventually forgive Pearl, he helped her up. He slung the extremely high gem over his shoulder.

"Ok, guys," said Steven, as Pearl laughed at memes, "Let's go find Peridot."


	3. Chapter 3: Missing in Action

The four gems walked through the dark, convoluted sewers on their way to rescue Peridot. Her voice echoed through the whole chamber.

"Aaaah!" screamed the small, green being. Her screams reverberated in the cold, stinky atmosphere.

"It's ok, Peridot!" shouted Steven in response. "We're almost there!"

"Hurry up! It's cold and wet!"

Steven felt a tap on his left shoulder; Pearl was slung over the right. Steven turned his head around.

"Hey, Steven," said Amethyst. "Garnet left."

Sure enough, there was no sign of Garnet. There was only Amethyst and the vast darkness behind him.

"What? Where'd she go?"

"I dunno," Amethyst shrugged. She pushed Pearl's flailing arms away. "She said something about marijuana."

"Is she taking my weed again?"

Pearl said something, but Steven and Amethyst ignored her.

"I don't know, dude. I thought it was all gone."

"Not all of it," replied Steven. "I hid some in Dad's van."

"Greg has weed?" Amethyst asked, surprised. "He never shared any with me!"

"No, it's all mine," assured Steven. "Dad doesn't know about it."

"Gotcha. Let's head over to the car wash and find Garnet!"

Peridot's voice erupted again. "Hurry up! Somebody just flushed a big one!"

"Oh yeah, let's save Peridot first," suggested Steven. Both him and Amethyst dashed through the sewers, towards the source of Peridots voice. Pearl flailed through the air like a flag in the wind as she was heaved along. They passed through various paths until they saw the shiny, green triangle in the distance.

"There she is!" exclaimed Amethyst as she abruptly came to a stop. Steven bumped into her back as he slowed down. Together, they approached Peridot.

"Finally!" Peridot sounded relieved. Her body was tightly wedged into a pipe. Her arms and head hung out of the open end. "I'm saved!"

"We were talking about weed," explained Steven. "Sorry we took so long."

"What's weed?" asked Peridot. Peridot looked over at the unconscious Pearl.

"It's a… uh… substance used for recreation."

"Enough chit-chat!" interrupted Amethyst. "Let's get you out of here."

Steven gently placed Pearl on the disgusting, frigid, concrete floor. Using both hands, he held tightly onto Peridot's hand. Amethyst grabbed Peridot's other hand. The two combined their strength to pull. They used their weight to remove the gem. Peridot eventually popped out as Steven and Amethyst fell backwards onto the floor. A flood of waste and water erupted from the pipe.

"Wow thanks!" shouted Peridot as she got up. Her legs were covered in waste. "I'm going to clean this up in your bathroom, Steven!"

"You're welcome," said Steven as he stood up.

"I'm gonna need to use your bathroom too," said Amethyst, covered in the aftermath.

Steven turned around to grab Pearl. However, Pearl was not there.

"Hey, guys, where's Pearl?"

Peridot and Amethyst shrugged.

"She must have ran off," suggested Amethyst.

"Shit!" exclaimed Steven. "It's because of the weed! She shouldn't have taken it! Let's find her!"

Amethyst was still covered in nastiness. "Actually, let's head home first."

The three walked silently for a few seconds, until Peridot broke the silence.

"If this is what happened to Pearl after this 'weed', I will not partake in the weed. I am disgusted."


	4. Chapter 4: Looking for Answers

Steven, Amethyst, and Peridot rushed back to the house. Once the three of them arrived, Peridot and Amethyst, both covered in a shit ton of literal shit and other nasty substances, immediately dashed towards the bathroom. Peridot screamed as Amethyst shapeshifted into a toilet.

"I'm going to eat you!" taunted Amethyst.

"Please do not consume me!" screamed Peridot. Flashbacks of getting flushed down the toilet about two hours ago flooded the green gem's mind. Amethyst took this opportunity to make her way to the bathroom first. Peridot, after realizing Amethyst's plan, followed.

"You guys go ahead and vore each other or whatever," said Steven, not really paying attention to the interaction that had just happened. "I'm gonna find Garnet and Pearl.

Steven swiftly made his way to the carwash, where his dad parks his van. Greg had just finished washing his last car for the day.

"Hey there schtu-ball!" Greg called out to his son. "Is Peridot done clogging up the sewer pipes?"

"Yeah," replied Steven. "She was covered in poo." Steven ran into the van. "Sorry, Dad, there's no time to explain." Steven lifted up the back seat and examined the underside for any trace of his good kush. Almost unsurprisingly, it was gone.

Greg poked his head through the open window. "Is something wrong, Steven?"

"Dad, was Garnet here recently?"

"Yeah, she came by. She said she needed something for a mission and smashed this window to break into the van."

"Holy fuck!" exclaimed Steven. He felt the blood rushing to his head. "Where'd that bitch go?"

"Hey, watch your language," replied Greg. He pointed towards Fish Stew Pizza. "She said she was heading to the pizza place after she was done getting high…" Greg paused briefly before turning back towards Steven. "Were you hiding weed in my van again?"

Steven ignored the question. "Bye Dad." He proceeded to run away.

"I'm putting you in rehab!" Yelled Greg.

As Steven approached the restaurant, he heard a deafening cry. He headed inside and was met with a disastrous scene. The whole restaurant looked like a "virgin" pornstar's vagina after getting destroyed by a gargantuan dong. Tables were turned on their side. Chairs were scattered across the floor. The wall was littered with fist-sized holes. Kiki emerged from the kitchen. She made eye contact with Steven with fear in her eyes, and ran towards him.

"Steven, help us!"

"What?" Steven was taken by surprise by the unexpected condition of the restaurant. "What's wrong? What happened here?"

"It's Garnet! She's tearing apart the whole place!"

A frying pan flew through the wall and right past Steven. Through the newly formed hole in the wall, Steven saw Garnet darting around in the kitchen.

"Hand it over, Pizza daughter," demanded Garnet. "I know you have some."

Jenny sidestepped as Garnet smashed a jar of sauce onto the floor. "I'm telling you, we don't have any here! What's gotten into you?"

Garnet flung a cutting board. "Steven's weed wasn't enough for me. I need more."

"What makes you think we have weed, then? Why are you here?"

"Because," started Garnet as she ripped open the cabinets, "Pearl said that she saw you and your friends acting high. You must have some weed in your possession. Pearl even said that that one friend of yours was extremely high, high enough to have smoked some really strong weed."

"You mean Sour Cream?" Jenny dodged a flying cleaver. "We're done with that weed, Garnet. We're all out!"

At that moment, Steven, with anger erupting from his eyes, rushed into the kitchen and lunged at Garnet. "You stole my best weed!"


	5. Chapter 5: The Battle

Steven grabbed a knife from the countertop. He ran towards Garnet while slashing at her. Garnet, being slightly high, only barely dodged the attack.

"Oh shit, Steven!"

"Did you think I wouldn't notice, Garnet?"

Garnet leapt backwards as Steven stabbed at her body. "The weed wasn't even good enough."

"Fuck you bitch," said Steven. "You are a stealing whore. Fuck you, Ruby, and Sapphire. I was saving that shit for a bad day!"

Garnet sluggishly swung her fist at Steven. She missed and socked Jenny in the stomach, sending her flying towards the oven and shattering it.

"Jenny!" yelled Steven. "Are you okay?"

"Steven!" answered Jenny. "What the fuck is this! Get this hoe outta here!" She limped out of the Kitchen. "I didn't sign up for this shit. Goddamn. Garnet, you need some damn help."

Steven turned back around to face Garnet, who had just picked up a ball of cheese. She tosses the ball at Steven at a high speed. Steven pulled out his shield and blocked the oncoming dairy mass. He then threw the knife that he was holding at Garnet's face. She easily grabbed it out of the air.

"It's no use, Steven. The weed is wearing off." Garnet slowly walked towards Steven. "Put down your weapons."

"No!" Steven held his shield in front of him. "I'm taking revenge for what you did!"

Steven threw his shield at Garnet, who just knocked it away with ease. Steven threw another at her. Garnet smacked it to the side like those hoes at the strip club. Garnet stood in front of Steven, who dropped to his knees in defeat.

"Garnet," whimpered Steven, "I'm sorry I tried to hurt you."

"Steven…"

"I was just so mad suddenly."

"You need to go to rehab for your weed addiction, Steven. Maybe I do, too. Obsession with drugs can make anybody do crazy things, even to the ones we love the most." Garnet picked up the teary-eyed Steven. "I'm sorry, Steven."

Steven and Garnet exchanged a long hug. Kiki peered into the kitchen where this was happening. "Y'all gonna clean this up or nah?"

Just then, a figure smashed through the ceiling. It was slender, bird-like, and smelled of weed and sewer water. Obviously it was Pearl. She brandished a huge dildo. Steven opened his eyes to this nasty gem and screamed.

"Pearl! There you are!"

Without hesitation, Pearl stabbed Garnet with the dildo. Garnet let out a scream before poofing into her two gems. Pearl began laughing maniacally.

"Why!?" questioned Steven. "Why did you do that? Where did you get that dildo?"

"I win!" celebrated Pearl, "now where's the weed? Where did Garnet hide that stuff. Haha."

As Steven ran over to grab Ruby and Sapphire, Pearl jumped out of the gaping hole that she made when she jumped in. Pearl was gone once again.


End file.
